


under the weather

by Soulykins



Series: old dog, old tricks [11]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Five buried his siblings, Food Issues, Gen, Good Brother Ben Hargreeves, Good Brother Klaus Hargreeves, Good Sister Vanya Hargreeves, Grace deserves the world, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Sick Five Hargreeves, Sickfic, and that messed him up, food hoarding, mentions of the other hargreeves, these boys don't know how to deal with a sick sibling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-07 07:25:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18231743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soulykins/pseuds/Soulykins
Summary: One of Vanya's students gives her the flu. And then, in turn, Vanya manages to pass it onto the rest of the family except for Klaus, who actually got a flu shot this year.They thought Five had escaped the health hazard in the house, right up until Vanya decided to try her hand at making the family some good old fashioned chicken noodle soup and found half the ingredients missing. Klaus, suggesting a relapse of Five's food hoarding habits, ventures upstairs with Vanya only to discover their smallest sibling was hiding something a bit bigger than food in his room.Where Five forgets that medicine is a thing that exists and goes about being sick in his own 'I lived in an apocalypse' sort of way, while Vanya and Klaus have to deal with it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i feel it should be said before we start that I have no idea how human temperatures in Fahrenheit work?? I've lived in the US for eleven years and I know my Fahrenheit weather but when it comes to the human body,,, the thermometers we had were all in Celsius man idk if you gave me my temperature in Fahrenheit I wouldn't know what to do with it
> 
> that being said i just picked a high looking number and called it a day so be kind to me lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel it should be said before we start that I have no idea how human temperatures in Fahrenheit work?? I've lived in the US for eleven years and I know my Fahrenheit weather but when it comes to the human body,,, the thermometers we had were all in Celsius man idk if you gave me my temperature in Fahrenheit I wouldn't know what to do with it
> 
> that being said i just picked a high looking number and called it a day so be kind to me lmao

Vanya got sick first. Children seemed to be cesspools of germs, and something had been going around at one of her student’s schools. Clearly the child seeking to learn the violin was a carrier and infected Vanya during one of their weekly lessons. Needless to say, Vanya went down and she went down hard.

Cough, runny nose, sore throat, the whole works. She sat vegetating on the couch, groaning about a headache and occasionally checking on her fever. But it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, and it passed quickly.

That is, until Allison and Diego both came down with it as well. Quickly followed by Luther. Their house turned into a sickbay of grumbling adults taking medicine, Grace clucking at them and giving them medicine that had Diego turning absolutely green.

Sympathetic to her siblings plight (and slightly guilty for causing it) Vanya gave Grace a helping hand despite the fact that being sick turned her siblings into _whiney messy babies_.

Which is why she was at the stove making chicken noodle soup instead of something more drastic, like stabbing Diego if he complained one more time about her bringing the plague into the household. 

Well, she would be making chicken noodle soup if she could find the noodles, which she could have _sworn_ she’d put away in the pantry after their last shopping trip. She couldn’t find the carrots, either, though she assumed that was the fault of a particularly snacky sibling. Allison was on a bit of a health kick, though Vanya didn’t want to point fingers.

“What’cha doing?” Came the voice of one of the very few non-sick people in the house. Klaus. He was leaning against the doorframe, watching Vanya who had climbed up on the counter to search the upper cabinets. Fucking kitchens, built for tall people. Ridiculous.

“I can’t find some stuff for the soup.” Vanya admitted, climbing down with a sigh, “I volunteered for dinner duty since Mom’s helping them but - I could have sworn we had the ingredients.”

“Nothing is sacred in this house.” Klaus nodded in agreement, “Why! Just last week Diego stole the last of the cocoa puffs I’d been saving. That’s why he’s sick now! Karma!”

Vanya paused, turning to Klaus, “Hey, why aren’t you sick?”

“I have the constitution of a god,” Klaus preened cheerfully, before scowling off into the air at his side. “Hey! No need to be rude. Ugh.”

Well, clearly Ben was in the area. Klaus rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Vanya, “I, being the most responsible of our siblings, got the flu shot. They were doing them at the library the other week when Ben wanted to get that book on black hole theory or whatever to prove a point to Five.”

Vanya could hear the underlying _Ben made me get a flu shot and I probably complained about it for a week straight, but now it came in useful I will 100% claim responsibility for it_ that Klaus wasn’t saying. 

But Vanya honestly didn’t have the energy for the boisterous argument and banter that would follow if she tried to call Klaus out on it, so she merely nodded. Luther’s coughing had kept her, and anyone with working ears, up all last night. His voice _carried_. His coughs even more so. She was exhausted.

Klaus on the other hand, looked as fresh as a daisy. Sort of. In a Klaus way. Which meant he probably had been up the whole night, but his general insomnia kept him up anyway so there was no real difference in his life.

Unlike Vanya, who was a responsible adult who liked to get at least eight hours of sleep at night because unlike half of her siblings she wasn’t actually as much of a disaster of a human being. Which wasn’t saying much. Vanya had been the only one of them with an apartment, a steady source of income from two jobs that she hadn’t used her (then unknown) powers to obtain or hold down, and some therapy under her belt.

And when Vanya, who had literally almost brought about the _apocalypse_ , was the most well-adjusted of them - you knew something was wrong.

“Hey Vanya,” Klaus’s voice had an odd tone to it that had Vanya looking up at her lankiest brother. Klaus wasn’t looking at her, instead was looking vaguely in the direction of the ceiling with a thoughtful look on his face, “You said you couldn’t find some of the food? In the cupboards?”

“Yeah?” Vanya looked back at the ingredients on the counter she _had_ managed to scrounge up, “I must’ve been mistaken though. I guess someone forgot to add some stuff to the shopping list again.”

Klaus waved a hand as if dismissing that line of thought, “Alright uh, maybe a random sounding question but have you seen our babiest brother today?”

“Five?” Klaus was lucky Five wasn’t present to hear Klaus refer to him as their babiest brother, otherwise Klaus would probably have at least one broken bone. The hazards of living with a time travelling assassin with a baby face. “I think he was avoiding the biohazard zone out there. I mean, I don’t blame him. If I was him I wouldn’t want to catch it. You know the flu can be worse for - ” Children, “...smaller… individuals.”

“You can say kids, Vanya. It’s not like Five is going to pop up every time we talk about the fact that he’s a baby again.” Klaus pointed out, ignoring Vanya’s wince.

She just felt guilty anytime she did though, like she was betraying Five in a way. But - he was only thirteen now and sometimes they had to talk about it frankly. Especially when it came to Five going off alone or driving or drinking or other things that he, as a minor, should probably not be doing.

“Well, I think we should go check on him.” Klaus declared, “Either I’m right, and he probably needs it, or I’m wrong, and we can steal some noodles from his doomsday closet. Win-win, really.”

Klaus was already turning to head upstairs, and with nothing better to do with herself Vanya followed him. “What do you mean, if you’re right?”

Klaus paused, one foot on the stairs, and looked back at Vanya thoughtfully. “You know,” He started, “Addiction isn’t a clear path of recovery. There are days I feel like I need a hit so bad I can barely leave my room, or days when I’m tempted to throw it all down the drain just to shut out the voices. Sometimes I’m okay, but I have bad days, you know?”

Vanya blinked, alarmed. She hadn’t been expecting this rabbit hole of a conversation. Instead of speaking she just - sort of uncertainly put her hand upon her brother’s arm in a silent show of support. She knew the whole family was very proud of how far Klaus had come in his journey towards sobriety.

Klaus looked at her hand before smiling at her softly, “Thanks, Vanya. But my point is - sometimes there are backsliding days. And Five is the same. Sometimes - boom, bad day. And since one of his comfort habits is hoarding food in his room - ”

“You think Five took food from the kitchen that wasn’t meant for the stash.” Vanya filled in. 

“Yeah,” Klaus nodded, starting up the stairs again, “And if he’s having a bad day, we should probably check on him. Bad days can be - destructive, y’know?”

Considering Vanya had a bad day where setting off the apocalypse was on the table, she figured she did, in fact, know. To be fair, the general shittiness of finding out you had powers, that your own father was afraid of you, almost killing your sister, finding out your boyfriend that you trusted purposefully inserted himself into your life and lied to you every step of the way, committing casual murder of said boyfriend, getting choked by your brother, and then being locked away in the soundproof room of nightmares from your childhood - well, needless to say it had just been a terrible combo of bad days in general. Really, almost causing the apocalypse was practically an underreaction.

Klaus, ignoring his sister lost in her own thoughts, was already knocking on Five’s door. “Five, buddy? You in there?”

A low groan was all that answered them, and the duo shared a worried look.

“Alright, coming in! You better be decent!” Klaus declared as he opened the door, only to halt as the sour smell of sickness wafted out.

Five was splayed out like a starfish on the bed in his pajamas with My Boy pressed against his side, sweat plastering his hair against his flushed face. There was food and bottles of drinks littering the floor, clearly placed within reach of the bed. A big red bucket was closest to the head of the bed, which was clearly the originator of the sour smell. Vanya would bet cash money that there was probably vomit inside.

Immediately both siblings were rushing over, picking their way through the general disaster area to get to their smallest sibling. “Five!” Vanya whisper-yelled, unwilling to go full volume on someone to clearly suffering, “Why didn’t you tell us you were sick!”

“‘M fine.” Five rasped. Of course, then he went completely white. Klaus, recognizing the signs, yanked Vanya back in time for Five to lean over the side of the bed and empty the contents of his stomach into the red bucket. A strategic placement indeed.

“Fine my ass!” Vanya scowled, reaching out a hand when Five was finished to press against his forehead. “You’re burning up! Klaus, go fetch the thermometer for me, please.”

Klaus wisely hopped to do as Vanya said, slipping through the door as Five flopped away from Vanya’s hand with a groan. “‘M _fine_ , Vanya.” He insisted, which would have been much more convincing if he didn’t have a coughing fit and hadn’t literally just thrown up in front of her person.

Vanya gave her brother a completely unimpressed look, sitting on the edge of the bed. At least it sounded like a dry cough and he didn’t look like he had a runny nose. Pretty much every tissue in the house was currently located in the living room with the rest of the invalids.

Klaus burst back into the room with the thermometer, loyally handing it over to Vanya despite Five’s dark look. Thankfully it was an ear thermometer so she didn’t have to wrestle with Five to try and stick it in his mouth. She leaned forward and jammed it in his ear with more than a little irritation, making him help in alarm, waiting until it beeped before she pulled it out.

“103, shit Five.” Vanya scowled down at the reading. 

“I can go fetch some aspirin?” Klaus offered, looking slightly lost.

But Vanya shook her head. “Kids aren’t supposed to have aspirin. See if we have acetaminophen or ibuprofen. Ask Mom.” 

Right now Vanya didn’t care about referring to Five as kid, even if he protested (which he did). Act like a child, get treated like a child. Plus, it was actually true that Five shouldn’t be having non-children’s aspirin. It could cause liver or brain damage in children and teens, and Vanya was trying to take care of her brother here, not kill him no matter how much she sometimes wanted to.

“Acetone-nimph-friend.” Klaus repeated, completely incorrectly, before exiting the room. But Vanya wasn’t too worried, she was sure Ben was probably hovering somewhere close by and would remember the actual name of the medication. Or Klaus would ask Mom who could reliably translate Klaus-speak into actual words far better than most people. The pros of actually raising Klaus, she guessed.

Five sat up in bed and scooted further away from Vanya to lean against the wall, sweeping My Boy into his arms and looking generally surly. Though at least he wasn’t looking nauseous at the moment. Small victories. 

Vanya sighed, “Five, why didn’t you tell us you were sick?”

Five scowled, “Because it’s none ‘f your business. I c’n take care of m’ _self_.”

“Yeah because clearly you’re doing such a great job.” Vanya deadpanned, gesturing around at the food littering the floor, the balled up blankets, the general ruffled appearance of Five himself, “No need for modern medicine at all. Just let yourself suffer, I guess.”

The door burst open again with Klaus’s enthusiastic kick, “I got the acetone!” He enthused, shoving the bottle of acetaminophen in Vanya’s direction. He had a big glass of water in his other hand that he set down triumphantly on the nightstand, “And he needs to drink liquids! I’m the best big brother.”

“Thank you, Ben.” Vanya said, blinking innocently as Klaus squawked in outrage.

She turned back to Five and held the pills out expectantly.

Five looked between them both with wary eyes, but Vanya didn’t waver an inch. And she wouldn’t, as long as her siblings’ health was on the line. So she could be patient as Five slowly uncurled and reached out to swipe the two innocent pills from her hand before snatching to water off the nightstand and downing the both at the same time.

“There,” He declared, “Took ‘em. Now g’way.”

“Nope!” Klaus grinned, flopping down on the only piece of bed left available. “You’re stuck with us! Now we know you won’t come get us if you’re in trouble, so you get some good old fashioned supervision!”

“Mom’s looking after the others.” Vanya cuts in, “So it’s only fair that you get looked after as well.”

“I looked after m’self for ages.” Five scowls at them both, “‘N I prepared! Food ‘n water ‘til I’m better. I know what ‘m doing.”

Vanya and Klaus looked at the food scattered around the room in a new light with that wonderful little revelation.

It did made a certain amount of sense. Five could have scrounged up medicine in the beginning, but with the expiration dates and all - Five wouldn’t have had access to any kind of real medical care if he got sick later on. And in his case, being sick would be a lot more deadly because he couldn’t just pop down and make himself chicken noodle soup or anything. He had to survive while he was sick on what he’d managed to gather in the time before, and just hope that it was enough to see him through.

Vanya could picture him. So small and alone, sick and unable to get enough to eat or drink. Dehydrated and ill with no one to take care of him, no one to rub his back while he was sick or tuck him in or even fetch him some tissues. It was a miracle that Five had made it forty years, a testament to their siblings tenacity and loyalty.

Somehow, Vanya doubted her brother would have fared half as well if he hadn’t had something to work towards. If he hadn’t had a mission.

Klaus and Vanya shared another look where they mutually agreed that it wasn’t worth it to address the backsliding on the hoarding situation. This was a different case, after all. It was probably mostly instinct for Five to just quickly gather whatever resources he could before he got too sick to do so. 

Plus, if it was a tell for when Five was feeling poorly then it could only be a good thing for them to have advance notice.

“And you did a pretty good job, Five.” Vanya said finally, “But you did also forget that medicine was a thing that existed, huh?”

“No medicine in the apocalypse!” Five protested sourly.

Vanya nodded, “Exactly. But we aren’t in the apocalypse, and so sometimes we know how to handle situations better in non-apocalypse scenarios. But we would absolutely defer to your knowledge if we were trying to survive in an apocalypse, right Klaus?”

“Right!” Klaus enthusiastically agreed.

At least Five seemed to accept that answer. Or else we was feeling bad enough that he didn’t care to argue his point any further. Instead he flopped down to curl around My Boy, making grabby hands towards the end of the bed where Klaus was sitting on the blankets.

Vanya wasn’t sure if you were supposed to let kids bundle up in blankets if they had fevers, but she didn’t protest when Klaus handed them over. She _did_ know that you were supposed to encourage sleeping. Fighting a sickness took a lot out of a body and Five needed all the energy his usually-insomniac self could get.

Vanya hovered for a moment, uncertain of what to do now, when Klaus cut in helpfully by flopping down onto the bed himself. “Naptime for me as well! Vanya, why don’t you grab some stuff and finish making that soup, and me ‘n Ben’ll keep an eye on our most darling little brother.”

Klaus ignored the foot that kicked him in the side for the comment easily enough, just reaching up to grab loosely at Five’s ankle.

Satisfied that Five was in decent enough hands for now (she trusted Ben to be responsible at the very least) Vanya gave a firm nod and stood up. “Alright, I’ll be back up in half an hour to take your temperature again and bring you some more water. And call me immediately if something happens. Klaus, you can clean out the sick bucket for Five in the meantime.”

And without waiting for Klaus’s protest, Vanya stooped to grab her missing ingredients and turned on her heel and strode out of the room to go back to the kitchen.

She had a feeling that the week had just gotten even longer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus and Ben are stuck babysitting Five, who as a sick invalid should be easy to look after right? Wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i am not a doctor nor do i play one on tv so don't take depictions of sickness seriously
> 
> i'm literally just drawing on my memories of me as a kid, i had a sensitive stomach and every time a bug came around i WAS puking. We literally had a designated sick bucket (actually we had like, three) that lived in the house just in case for me and the squad
> 
> i was actually diagnosed with stomach flu when i had appendicitis as well bc i was puking a bunch like five years ago lmao

By the time that Klaus got back from cleaning the bucket (while complaining the entire time to Ben), Five was fast asleep. 

He looked so much younger in his sleep, face lax as he curled around his plush cat companion. Klaus sat gently on the edge of the bed, wary of his youngest sibling awakening. Five was still flushed, and Klaus placed the back of his hand against his brother’s face with more than a little bit of concern.

“He’s still burning up.” Klaus told Ben, not liking the fact that he wasn’t entirely sure what to do. Dear old Dad had given them a crash course in medicine, but it was all field medicine stuff like dealing with bullet wounds rather than something as simple as dealing with the flu. Said a lot about the kind of life he expected them to live, really. What did it say that Klaus had a better idea of how to deal with a traumatic amputation than a common cold?

“But he’s shivering.” Ben pointed out, looking equally concerned. Ben had probably paid the most attention during Dad’s field medicine courses, but again it was mainly about injuries. Mom had been the one to take care of them when they were actually sick, her programming presumably informing her of what to do. “Maybe we should wake him up?”

Klaus shrugged, “Being sick takes a lot of energy, right? I think we should just let him sleep it off.”

“But he’s vomiting.” Ben pointed out, walking over to the nightstand with the still half-full glass of water placed upon it. “Fever and vomiting means he’s gotta increase his fluid intake, right? He’s going to get dehydrated. We should wake him up and get him to drink something.”

“He can drink something when he wakes up!” Klaus countered, threading a hand through Five’s sweaty hair, pulling it away from the kid’s face. “He’s clearly exhausted, he’s _always_ exhausted. And the parenting books said not sleeping makes kids more likely to get sick ‘n stuff.”

“You read one parenting book, that doesn’t make you an expert,” Ben scowled rudely. It wasn’t as though it had been Ben’s idea in the first place to read the book, oh no. It had been a spur of the moment type of thing when they were still trying to figure out how to help Five out with his nightmares, which had culminated in the purchase of My Boy the plush cat. A pretty good if occasionally interesting addition to the family by anyone’s measure.

“Wake him up.” Ben ordered.

“Let him sleep!” Klaus hurled back.

“Up!”

“Sleep!”

They were interrupted by a whine that had them both looking down at Five, whose face was scrunched up in discomfort. His hands were clenched into fists as he whined again, looking almost as if he was in pain.

“Okay,” Klaus said, reaching hands out to shake Five awake, “Wake him up it is.”

The moment Klaus’s hand made contact with Five’s shoulder, the smaller of them shot up in bed like a jack-in-the-box. A hand flew to his mouth and he looked terrible, so Klaus was already scrambling to grab the (newly clean) bucket and toss it into Five’s grasping hands just in time for Five to curl around it and retch. 

The little bit of water he’d gotten down with the pills clearly came up, but he kept retching even after he’d already hurled up the contents of his stomach. It sounded painful and had both Klaus and Ben wincing in sympathy.

“Rub his back!” Ben whisper-hissed at Klaus, “Mom used to do that for us when we were sick, remember?”

Klaus did remember. He’d been sick more often that all the other siblings combined, though usually as a result of inadvisable combos of drugs and alcohol. Tentatively, Klaus set his hand on Five’s back (it was gross and damp but Klaus figured Ben would actually murder him if he complained). He almost thought that Five would shake him off, but his brother seemed slightly more occupied with clutching the bucket like his life depended on it.

“Oh buddy,” Klaus murmured sympathetically when the retching came to an end, he leaned back to snag the water off of the nightstand to guide into Five’s shaking hands. “Why don’t you take a few sips, dude? Get some fluids in you.”

Ben nodded approvingly as Five gulped down some water, sloshing some of it on his pajamas in the process but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Hey Klaus,” Ben whispered, looking worried again, “Does this mean he threw up the meds? Should we give him more?”

“How long does it take for them to digest or whatever?” Klaus whispered back, “What if we give him more and it’s too much? We should wait for Vanya or Mom.”

Ben nodded, looking almost surprised at the sensible suggestion out of Klaus’s mouth. Rude. All of Klaus’s ideas were first class.

Five mumbled something unintelligible from where he was still hunched over. Klaus gentled moved to pull the bucket away and place it back by the side of the bed, “What was that buddy? Couldn’t hear you there.”

“G’way.” Five muttered louder, “I’m fine.”

“Yeah okay, not happening. You look like shit, dude.” Klaus pointed out, which was true. Five’s shaking hands had spilled even more water on his pajamas and he looked just bad in general. Gross and sweaty and clammy. He was still sort of shivering even though Klaus knew that if he checked Five’s face he would still be burning up.

“He needs to change.” Ben offered, trotting over to the drawers to root around for a new nightshirt. It was easier to allow Ben to interact with the environment than to make him visible and audible, _that_ particular trick would still lay Klaus flat out on his ass after around half an hour. But that was longer than the original fifteen minute limit! Baby steps.

“Dead p’pl don’ get ‘pinions.” Five declared, suddenly loud. He was swaying from side to side in a worrying sort of way.

“Hey!” Klaus protested automatically, “Hey that was rude! Apologize to Ben!”

He was allowed to joke about Ben’s death and being dead, but only because Ben had been nagging in his ear for over a decade. Ben got to nag him and he got to make jokes that’s how it worked. But that was plain rude of Five, and even though Five being rude wasn’t unusually he was at least usually the nicest to Ben. And Vanya. Mostly Ben.

But Five just blinked at him, eyes almost looking right through Klaus. His brow furrowed in confusion as his gaze drifted slowly across the room. “Ben? Where’s Ben?”

But if Five hadn’t been talking about Ben - which in hindsight, Ben hadn’t been audible to Five anyway - then what?

“I think he was talking about you?” Ben offered, voice uncertain as he tiptoed closer.

“Me?” Klaus asked aghast. He wasn’t dead! Why would Five say that? Then Klaus remembered the nightly habit of checking their pulses, the fact that Luther had known that they died fighting the apocalypse, the fact that Five had tried to figure out what had happened and he swallowed the words on his tongue.

“Maybe we should call a doctor or something?” Ben suggested, handing Klaus the oversized t-shirt that clearly belonged to either Klaus or Diego before it had managed to end up in Five’s wardrobe.

“What doctor?” Klaus whispered back, “We had that family meeting and decided Mom could be the family doctor. Remember the whole conversation about Five and pediatricians? I’m pretty sure we’d trigger the apocalypse again if we took him to a kid doctor.”

“Mom’s busy though!” Ben gestured towards the door with a scowl, “It’s not fair to expect her to deal with everyone on her own.”

“That’s why we’re here though!” Klaus inserted as much cheer as he could muster into his protest. 

Ben gave him a withering look in response.

“G’way Klaus!” Five interjected, “Don’t have time t’talk to you. Where’s Dolores?”

“Is he hallucinating? That’s a bad sign right?” Ben whispered.

“I mean, technically no?” Klaus offered, “Like, he thinks he’s hallucinating but I. You now. Actually do exist. I think he’s just confused?”

“Dolores?” Five asked plaintively, looking around in confusion. And then, to the rest of the room’s collective horror, started tearing up and lightly sniffling.

“Klaus do something!” Ben panicked.

“Like what!” Klaus shot back, panicking just a bit himself as Five’s lip wobbled. Five had put Dolores back in the department store after his and Klaus’s whole confrontation about addiction and everything. It’s not like he could just conjure Dolores out of thin air to give to his sickly little sibling. He had powers but not that power.

“I don’t know! Something!” Yes Ben, very helpful, thank you.

Klaus looked around and his eyes stopped on My Boy. He quickly swept up the stuffed cat and held it out towards Five as if he was making an offering to some angry gods. “Five! Hey, Five buddy! Look what we have here! It’s My Boy!”

Thankfully for literally everyone, Five stopped sniffling to look between the plush cat and Klaus in confusion. Then he reached out to grab My Boy and squish the cat to him in a hug, still looking rather puzzled, which was unfair. If anyone deserved to be confused in this situation it was totally Klaus.

“M’head hurts.” Five offered them, “An’ I’m cold.”

“Uh, why don’t you have some more water?” Klaus offered, completely lost on what to do. “And uh, here why don’t we change your shirt? That one’s all wet. That will make you feel less cold, yeah?”

He helped peel Five out of his pajama top, balling up the gross damp garment in a ball and tossing it somewhere over his shoulder, ignoring the disapproving noise from Ben. Some quick tugging and maneuvering quickly saw Five in the clean t-shirt that now he was fully looking at it, Klaus was pretty sure it was a shirt he’d stolen from one of his boyfriends back in the day. It had been big on _Klaus_ let alone on Five, who was swamped in it. But it looked comfy enough for the sick kid, so Klaus couldn’t find it in himself to protest.

“Gonna sleep now,” Five declared, flopping back down on the bed, “I’ll b’ry you in the mornin’.”

“Uh,” What was Klaus supposed to say to that? Five would bury him? That was just bringing up all kind of depressing thoughts that Klaus didn’t want to think about right now, “Thank you?”

Five tucked My Boy half under his head to use as a pillow and promptly passed the fuck out, leaving Klaus to exchange a look with Ben.

“Okay, we should get like, a cold cloth to put on his forehead.” Klaus muttered, prying himself into a standing position, “They do that on TV shows, right? And then we get Mom. The others can deal with being alone for like, half an hour.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Ben agreed.

They both came to an unspoken agreement to just not address the implications of what they’d just heard.

Not yet, anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five wakes up with people in his room again. Ugh. Can't they just leave him alone to just marinate in his own misery?
> 
> But sometimes a boy just needs his mother. And maybe his brother. But mostly his mother.

Five woke up to the feeling of a cool hand on his forehead. He blinked bleary eyes open to focus on blond hair and immediately panicked, batting the hand away and rolling sideways to crash off of the edge of the bed into a heap on the floor. Ouch. Clearly his limbs had not yet recovered from his sickness yet.

A familiar voice cut through the buzz of alarm sitting in his bones like a knife - “I think you would be more comfortable on the bed, darling.”

It was just Mom. Five blinked dazedly up at her, not quite processing correctly. Why had he thought Mom was a threat? Why had he fallen out of bed? A glance at the clock revealed that it was approaching dinner time, so why had he been asleep?

He almost didn’t notice when two hands hooked under his armpits and hoisted him up and back onto the bed. It happened too quickly for him to react (or perhaps his reaction times were just subpar?) and Five turned to glare at whoever touched him, only for his gaze to fall on a worried looking Klaus.

“Klaus?” Five asked, wincing at his own voice. It sounded like it had been through a shredder. Something was wrong, clearly, otherwise why would Klaus and Mom be in his room? Was it the Commission? Did something happen? Five attempted to get to his feet but he swayed dramatically and suddenly Klaus’s hands were back on his shoulders guiding him back to the bed.

“Your fever has gone down a little! It’s resting steady at 101.” Mom informed him cheerfully, handing him a glass of water. Not knowing what else to do, he accepted it and stared at the two adults in the room waiting for them to explain _what the fuck._

“Take small sips, dear.” Mom patted his leg before turning around to grab something off of the nightstand, “It wouldn’t do to upset your poor tummy again.”

Somehow the indignity was even worse when Mom was using words like ‘tummy’ at him, and Five scowled at the room as a whole before actually caving and taking a sip. The water was cold and soothing against his throat and he sipped at it again sulkily. 

He’d not been feeling great (he still felt like sun-baked garbage to tell the truth) and he’d - started prepping, right? Holed up in his room with the necessities? He somewhat hazily recalled Vanya and Klaus coming in and scolding him for… something. 

“I have food!” Klaus announced loudly, “Vanya made chicken noodle soup! The quintessential sick person experience! Nuked and ready to be eaten!”

Five looked over at the bowl Klaus was wielding but felt nausea clench at his stomach at even the idea of food. He hated when he could feel it coming, when the saliva in his mouth got all hot and watery and he just knew he was about to hurl.

“Klaus, dearest, why don’t you put that down on the desk,” Mom intervened like the saint she was. “We can start small. Something like crackers. Deep breaths, Five dear, in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

Five took his mother’s advice. Presumably she knew far more than him about how to take care of sick people - it was programmed into her after all. He was okay with yielding to her superior knowledge in this case, after all he’d have to be an idiot not to take advice from an expert.

His siblings, on the other hand, were all dumbasses not to be trusted.

The breathing worked, and his nausea subsided. A definite relief. He _hated_ being sick more than anything. That and crying were the biggest wastes of time and effort in human existence. Just throwing away perfectly good food and water when both of those things were often so difficult to find.

Though he supposed they weren’t that difficult to find, in this time at least.

“I’m not hungry.” Five denied, like a liar. But there was no point in eating if he was just going to throw it up again, no need to waste nutrients even with as wasteful a time he found himself in. He could just wait until the worst of the sickness had passed and then bulk up again after, simple logic.

But Grace simply came over and took his unoccupied hand in hers. Her touch didn’t make him shudder, didn’t make him scuttle away like so many others. Perhaps it was the artificial nature of her skin, the way she sort of reminded him of Dolores, but he tolerated her touch better than he did anything else.

She looked him in the eyes, looking almost sad even though she was smiling, “Try for me?” 

Mom asked for precious little out of life, having been programmed to ask for nothing at all and only built to take care of others. So when she gently took back the water and pressed crackers into his hands, he made no protest and only brought them to his mouth to nibble on.

“You had us worried, dude!” Klaus interjected, flopping down onto the bed and making Five bounce. It was perhaps fortunate the Mom had taken the water when she did, otherwise he would have surely spilled it everywhere. He still gave Klaus a withering glare though, just out of principle. “Your fever got like, super high? And if you didn’t wake up soon Mom was gonna give you an IV or something for fluids.”

“I’m fine!” Five snapped back, scowling.

Klaus scoffed, “Yeah, okay bro. It’s not like you would be saying you were fine if you were literally bleeding out at the end of the world or something - as just a random example there. We’re totally gonna believe you at your word, yeah.”

Five shoved another cracker in his mouth rather than respond. Okay, it was true that he’d hidden a bullet wound from them but there were extenuating circumstances to be taken into account! It was the end of the world! Five could barely get his siblings to focus on one thing on a good day, he wasn’t about to distract them for his own health. It was like herding cats, getting his siblings on task. 

Mom leaned down to pick something off the floor and ended up offering the plush cat dubbed ‘My Boy’ back to Five, the poor pillow plush had obviously taken a tumble alongside Five at his less than graceful awakening. Five snatched the plush away and tucked it against his side, swallowing his mouthful of crumbs and muttering a quick thank you in his mother’s direction.

She’d raised him to have manners, after all, even if he ignored them (or more likely, forgot about them) the majority of the time.

“I’m going to go draw you a bath.” Mom beamed at him, and was already exiting the room before he could make even a token protest.

Baths. Even now they were a weird concept - a big old waste of water. A whole tub filled with clean water! And they expected him to just marinate in it and dirty it up so it was unusable! A small bucket and a washcloth for a quick scrubdown was good enough in Five’s opinion. Though, then again, it wasn’t as though he’d been inflicting himself on other people’s noses during his time in the apocalypse.

Dolores had never complained.

“Bathing is at _least_ every other day.” Klaus interjected, clearly reading Five’s face, “Allison’s rules. Cleanliness is important or whatever. I think we’re going on day two for you anyway.” A loaded pause where Klaus turned to thin air and was clearly listening to Ben’s input before continuing, “Ben says you need to brush your teeth as well. Puking acid and stuff is bad for them.”

Five pulled another face. He had reminders set on his phone for brushing his teeth twice a day or he forgot - the habit of not left over from the apocalypse was something he was all too glad to leave behind. Being thirteen again was good for some things, and his dental health was certainly one of them.

At some point he felt like he should insist on replacing the childish superhero themed electric toothbrush that had been sitting in the bathroom since the day he left them, but on the other hand he didn’t particularly want to draw much attention to its existence so he would deal with it.

“I think when you’re in the bath, Mom’s gonna put some new sheets on for you, too. Do a load of laundry. God knows the others have gotten snots over just about everything we own. Going to have to deepclean the living room to get rid of the germs ugh.” Klaus gave an all over body shudder, always prone to dramatics as he grinned at Five as though sharing in a joke.

“I can do my own sheets.” Five protested. He wasn’t a _child_.

“Uh, yeah. I sure hope you can.” Klaus replied easily, shrugging his shoulder, “But, y’know, you’re sick and gross and stuff. So it’s okay to get some help.”

Five said nothing to that. His head ached like he’d jumped in time again and cotton had been stuffed up his nose. He felt gross, and truthfully a bath and change of sheets would probably do him a world of good. Not that he’d ever admit it out loud, that is. He had a _reputation_ to maintain as a contrary little shit and he would defend that title to the death.

Klaus was quiet again for a beat before looking up at Five. “Hey Five,” He hesitated uncharacteristically, making Five sit up and take notice. Klaus usually just blurted out whatever asinine thought was flowing through his head at any given moment. “Do you, uh, do you remember me being in here? Earlier?”

Five thought back. Honestly, most of the day was pretty hazy. But it usually was when he was sick, which was why he had to gather and collect before he was down for the count if he didn’t want to starve to death or something. But - Vanya and Klaus had come in, right? 

“You and Vanya came in.” Five said slowly, thinking it over. “Vanya took my temperature. You guys wouldn’t go away. You gave me some medicine?” Fat lot of good the medicine had seemed to do though, Five still felt like crap.

“Not uh, not that. Later.” Klaus looked uncomfortable which set off some alarm bells.

There was a vague and fuzzy recollection of maybe a dream? About the apocalypse or something? He remembered feeling like there was something important he had to do. But nothing too concrete. Just flashed. Had Dolores been there? That must have been part of a fever dream, since he was 100% sure that she was still with her friends at the department store.

So he shook his head in a no, making Klaus grimace. He eyed his taller brother suspiciously, “Why. What happened.”

“Nothing big!” Klaus rushed to assure him, and then winced at an unheard comment. “Just uh, you kind of told me that I didn’t get any opinions?” 

Okay? Five had yelled worse at Klaus before. He’d probably yelled worse at Klaus yesterday.

“ - because dead people don’t get opinions.” Klaus finished awkwardly.

“Oh.” Five said shortly, mind racing. Maybe if he just didn’t address it Klaus would drop it? But one look at his brother’s stupid concerned face pretty much axed that idea. He shuffled defensively, “My brain was cooking, you can’t hold that against me. I was delirious. It didn’t mean anything.”

Klaus looked to the side, sharing a look with Ben. Five hated when they did that - it always made him feel left out of an entire conversation. He couldn’t wait until Klaus could hold Ben’s form for longer so he could actually tell what input Ben was giving the conversation.

“You said you’d bury me in the morning.” Klaus’s voice was soft and achingly sad.

Five hated it. 

So he snorted, “Yeah, sick me was a dumbass. It’s not like my scrawny thirteen-year-old ass could move a metric fuckload of rubble to get your bodies out in the first place.”

Instead of breaking the tension, Klaus looked like his heart was breaking even further. How could Klaus do such sad fucking puppy eyes as a grown ass man? 

“I buried you.” Five admitted, “But above ground. I used the rubble. Like those cairn things.”

Klaus still looked like he was about to cry, so Five picked up My Boy and hurled the cat at his brother’s stupid face. It pillow connected with a dull thwap, Klaus’s hands coming up in surprise to catch it. “If you make a big deal out of it I will stab you.” Five threatened darkly.

Thankfully for Klaus’s continued existence, Mom breezed in through the door with a bright and cheerful, “The bath is ready!”

Five pried himself from the bed to follow his mother, glaring at Klaus in warning.

Klaus, never one to listen to warnings, stage-whispered to Ben, “He really loves us!”

“Assassin.” Five reminded Klaus, allowing Mom’s hand on his shoulder to steer him to the bathroom, “I have killed literally so many people. You could be next.”

He was already out of the room when Klaus chose to yodel, “He _loves_ us! So much! Five has actual feelings!”

Five took a solid second to debate attempting to jump back into the room and gently murder his idiot sibling. But his head still hurt, and he was achey all over, and he still felt gross so. Klaus could live another day. For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my i wonder who Five thought Grace could be. Who also has blond hair. And lipstick. 
> 
> Grace deserves the WORLD. She deserves SO MUCH. She deserves to go to a MUSEUM and TAKE UP ART AS A HOBBY. 
> 
> Klaus got some answers but are they the ones he wanted??
> 
> also me taking some time to casually drop some of my headcanons about the fact that Five lived in the apocalypse alone for forty years his idea of cleanliness and table manners are probably FUCKED. This boy's idea of a meal is cracking open a can of beans and scooping them into his mouth with his fingers. He will eat bugs off the floor. Five second rule WHOMST. If it's not actively moldy and inedible then it's going in his mouth. Regular baths or showers? A toothbrush with toothpaste?? fucking rarities in the apocalypse my friend. Feral child needs to be reminded that he is around regular people with noses again.
> 
> HMMM i might just leave it here. Five is recovering ish. The worst is over. He officially revealed to Klaus that he literally buried his siblings n shit. Progress was made. Grace showed up. The whole works.

**Author's Note:**

> if u spot spelling or grammar errors feel free to point 'em out to me and I'll fix them!! I actually need to be awake tomorrow bc my classes start again rip - it was a wild spring break y'all but I might not update quite so quickly anymore. Or i might, who knows. senioritis is real and i could absolutely see myself procrastinating on hw by writing tua fanfiction tbh
> 
> just a quick thing sorry, but at least there was more vanya?? i feel like i never write vanya hmm
> 
>  
> 
> oh !! and it really is a real thing that flu affects kids differently - they tend to get more gastro symptoms like stomach ache and vomiting and stuff which is why poor Five gets the puke bucket while his siblings are probably just stuffy and gross with headaches oof  
> don't give kids and teens aspirin as well lads the liver failure and stuff is a Real Thing which i didn't know about before researching for this fic whoops


End file.
